Oh boy, I'm going to have to watch my attitude here - my Texas friends, I love you dearly, but when we left Texas 5 years ago, I remember saying, "Thank God we never have to live in Texas again!" I don't think I knew God then as well as I do now...He is funny! So with an effort to find the humor in any situation, I've compiled this list, and this comes from someone who knows, folks...
You know you're in Texas when...
...Your state flag flies at the same level as the American flag. Only in Texas does everyone from the bum on the street to schoolchildren recognize their state flag...and it is EVERYWHERE!! In fact, if you are trying to sell your home and it doesn't have two flag poles in the front yard, it will automatically devalue your house by at least 10% (this is according to the Texas Bureau of Realty).
...You know you could double your weight and volume and still feel too small for the rooms you go into. Everything a bigger in Texas, without exception! The buildings and cars are huge too. Josh and I theorize it's so Texas sized people can feel normal in them. Thankfully, San Antonio is no longer the fattest city in Texas, but that doesn't mean you won't encounter a few "remnants" while exploring the city. In a place where you have to scour a 3.5acre super market in order to get 1/2gal of milk, it seems impossible that you would find a single obese person. The only logical conclusion is that there is an underground moving walkway somewhere that we just have yet to discover.
...You see a man in the mall walking his dog with one hand and smoking a cigarette with the other. True story! Do not be surprised if you walk into a smoke filled Chucky Cheese only to be asked if you would like to be seated in the "smoking" or "non-smoking" sections of the restaurant, which are separated by a nearly impenetrable three foot high partition (usually difficult to spot through the haze).
...You can say anything you want to a person as long as it's tempered by the phrase "Bless your heart!" (insert southern drawl).
...You have 3 choices: mariachi, country, or sermons.
...Even the drought resistant plants look longingly at the Sahara Desert.
...You will encounter the world's nicest, dumbest drivers on the`world's most incoherent highways!
Texas, like it or not, we keep making our way back to you. We look forward to the new friends we will meet who will make it seem impossible someday to leave this place we'd rather not be in...for the moment.
In Texas Everything Is BIG!
ReplyDeleteOne day a New England gentleman visiting Texas for the first time walked into the hotel bar where he was staying and ordered a beer. The bartender places a huge two-gallon mug of beer in front of the unsuspecting man. With large eyes of disbelief the gentleman protests that he only ordered a beer not a keg, to which the bartender responds, “Mister, you’re in Texas – and in Texas everything is BIG!”
The bewildered tourist begins to drink his beer and soon requests from the bartender some peanuts to munch on. So, the bartender reaches under the counter and slaps a small sack of peanuts on the counter. Again the patron protests that he merely wanted a small bowl of peanuts not all of last year's harvest. The bartender looks him square in the eye and declares, “Mister, I told you – you’re in Texas and in Texas EVERYTHING is big!”
After only a half hour the slight visitor from New England is feeling no pain and needs to use the restroom. He inquires of the bartender who directs him down the hall and on the left. Staggering down the hallway he loses his balance and accidentally falls out a second story window landing in the hotel swimming pool below. As he comes up for air everyone hears him shouting with great panic, “No, no, please don’t flush the toilet!”
Moral of the story, I guess: never say never.
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